At some point in your career, you hit a wall.
Not all at once. It builds slowly.
The meetings creep later. The Slack pings come earlier. You start reviewing pull requests at 10pm “just this once” for the third night in a row. It’s not just the hours—it’s the access. The constant availability. The quiet assumption that if someone needs something, you’ll make it work.
And you do, until you can’t anymore.
Eventually, you realize: this isn’t sustainable.
So you try to set a boundary. You tell yourself it’s time. You send the message. You hope it lands.
And... it doesn’t.
Maybe you were too vague.
Maybe you waited too long and set it out of frustration.
Maybe you dropped it into Slack and assumed everyone would remember.
Whatever the reason, it didn’t stick. People kept pushing. You made exceptions. The resentment started to creep back in.
Setting boundaries isn’t just about protecting your time. It’s about protecting your ability to lead. Because if you’re always available, always reactive, and always saying yes, you’re not modeling effectiveness. You’re modeling burnout.
So how do you set boundaries that actually stick?
Here’s the 4-part structure I use:
-
State the boundary clearly
“I want to let you know that I no longer check email after 7pm.”
-
Explain the business reason
“This helps me come into the next day more focused and responsive.”
-
Offer alternatives
“If something’s urgent and can’t wait, just text me.”
-
Stay firm but kind
“I know this might be different than what we’re used to, but I’m committed to this approach.”
The goal isn’t to defend your boundaries. It’s to normalize them.
When you lead with intention and clarity, boundaries feel like leadership, not retreat.
What this sounds like in practice
“I’ve noticed I’ve been responding to messages pretty late at night, and I want to reset that expectation. Going forward, I won’t be responding to Slack after 7pm. This helps me stay focused and better support the team during the workday.”
“If there’s something truly urgent that can’t wait until morning, feel free to text me directly. Otherwise, I’ll follow up first thing the next day.”
“I know I’ve been flexible about this before, and I take responsibility for that inconsistency. I’m adjusting now so I can show up more effectively.”
A few tips that make this easier:
- Don’t apologize for having boundaries
- Share the why, especially when the benefit ties back to team effectiveness
- Be consistent: one exception can send the message that the boundary was optional
- Anticipate where it might feel uncomfortable—and remind yourself that you’re modeling sustainability, not selfishness
This wraps up the 5-part series on tough conversations. I’ll leave you with this:
The hardest conversations are often the most clarifying ones. They shape your culture. They reinforce your values. And they make you the kind of leader people trust—because you’re willing to have the conversation when others avoid it.
P.S. If you’ve found this series helpful, the full Tough Conversations course is available for preorder. It walks through all five conversations, gives you frameworks and scripts, and will even include a chatbot to practice with. Just $49 right now.